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Please understand: I do not want
to want this (you).

I realized at poem nineteen-of-fifty:
You (college-borne) are a new you,
I (weaponized) am a new me,
and the new me still wants the new you.
I'm sorry. I thought maybe, after enough time, I would learn to move on, but I guess I was wrong.

I read exactly fifty poems you wrote while I was gone. If I still have to capture a surge of jealousy each time I read the word sex, or kiss, or hold, then I can't read those words anymore. If I still wonder whether any of the stories I read were about me, then I can't read those stories. If I still wish I had a chance, then I can't take one.

I'm sorry.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-01-08
Fifty by *zephyrtronium "portraits the inner struggle born from what you don't want to want, but still do in a very straight forwarded way," says the suggester. ( Suggested by lintu47 and Featured by thorns )
:iconcandyexorcist:
I've never seen anyone sum up that feeling (it really doesn't have a proper name, does it?) as succinctly, clearly and devastatingly as you have here. I hate saying something is fresh because it sounds so Hollywood, but this is: like a blast of cold wind, it wakes me up and shocks me back into feeling alive.

Scored you so high on vision because I know it's truthful (and on impact for obvious reasons); originality is hard to come by no matter what subject you take on, but you did a great job of keeping away from cliches, which also plays into the technique. The simplicity and brevity is just right: like you know it needs to be said, but it's too painful to linger on for long.

I'm sorry you have those feelings, but I'm also grateful that you've chosen to take them and turn them into a beautiful piece of literature that will remain in my mind for a long time. I'll be showing this piece to my friends, and I hope they're as struck and moved by it as I was.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
8 out of 8 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconrestlesssands:
RestlessSands Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013
after perusing your wonderful poetry, i keep coming back to the succinctness of this :heart:

such goodness! keep writing! :juggle:
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello! How are you today?
Reply
:iconrestlesssands:
RestlessSands Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013
it's very friendly, but i have a sneaking suspicion you ask everyone this... 0.0' haha;)

you know what, today is just filled with :shamrock:s and :butterfly:s

:juggle:
Reply
:iconaquaticcat226:
AquaticCat226 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013
This makes my eyes tear up every time I read it.
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That could be a sign that your vision requires correction. Have you considered seeing an optometrist?
Reply
:iconaquaticcat226:
AquaticCat226 Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
Hahaha! Doubtful. It's just very touching and makes me wander through some old memories.
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That could be even more dangerous than poor vision. Although I'm fairly certain that it's less likely to cause car accidents.
Reply
:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Student Writer
Interesting dichotomy between "college-borne" and "weaponized." I grokked the intent immediately. Well played.
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm pretty sure that grok is one of the best words. Thank you for using it and also for reading. c:
Reply
:iconmattsma:
Mattsma Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
I understand this.....thank you for putting it into words :love:
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for reading and understanding. c:
Reply
:iconmattsma:
Mattsma Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
:D
Reply
:iconmeganbednarz:
meganbednarz Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013   General Artist
The comment is as poetic as the poem itself.
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I thought the poem deserved an explanation. Of course, since I have difficulty expressing my emotions without hiding behind pretty words and poetic techniques, that's how it came out.
Reply
:iconistrife:
iStrife Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013
Damn... damn....
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Unfortunately, my powers of damnation were revoked.
Reply
:iconistrife:
iStrife Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
I see my stunned reaction has been reversed for comedic effect on its meaning. Good show, sir.
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's my job! :D
Reply
:iconluciferica:
Luciferica Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Professional General Artist
To let go of dreams and desires, and live in the 'will be' instead of the 'might have been' is difficult but necessary, I saved all the letters written and the cards, but one day I set them aflame and released the tears my heart had saved. It was therapeutic to let go of the booze filled haze and wasted moments and to breathe me again..maybe someday you can breathe you again too. Good luck.
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. I think that writing this was really what I needed to move on. Even if it wasn't, well, it worked. :dummy:
Reply
:iconneko2631:
neko2631 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013
<3
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Brief, simple, yet effective. It makes your emotions clear without any waste. I like it.
Reply
:iconneko2631:
neko2631 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
Funny, I could have said the same about your poem.

...<3
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's pretty much everything I look for in a poem, so it would make sense to write my own with those qualities.

...:onfire:
Reply
:icondrs2406:
DRS2406 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Professional General Artist
Hm.
Guess we´re with you,dude.
Not that it would help you.
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Gratias tibi ago.
Reply
:icondrs2406:
DRS2406 Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Professional General Artist
Oh great.Now I´ll have to google that shit :)
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Just make sure no one is around when you do. There could be... consequences.
Reply
:icondrs2406:
DRS2406 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Professional General Artist
:iconofaceyellowplz: WHATCONSEQUENCES?
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Someone could learn some Latin unintentionally. :noes:
Reply
:iconaleci-art:
AlEcI-ArT Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013   General Artist
Never read something quite like this, amazing.
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. I'm glad I could be original. c:
Reply
:iconzee-who:
Zee-Who Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist
Congrats on your Daily Deviation!:squee::heart:
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I no rite :D Thank you!
Reply
:iconangelwyng:
Angelwyng Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
"I (weaponized)...."

Powerful piece, in its brevity. Well written. It's curious how well a piece that's heartfelt can resonate in total strangers.

Also: congratulations on the DD.
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's what poetry, and really any form of art, is: communication. It resonates because I wanted to make known how I felt when I wrote this. Anyone can empathize with an effective poem.
Reply
:iconrhiannfleming:
Rhiannfleming Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013
This is really good!
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. I thought so, too. I guess I didn't realize just how good it was, though. :D
Reply
:iconcandyexorcist:
candyexorcist Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Student General Artist
Thank you for writing this.
Reply
:iconinklingsofoblivion:
InklingsOfOblivion Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This poem speaks volumes to me. Congratulations, a well deserved DD :aww:
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much. I couldn't have done it without you. :aww:
Reply
:iconinklingsofoblivion:
InklingsOfOblivion Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: :aww: :happybounce:
Reply
:iconjoel-wade:
Joel-Wade Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013   General Artist
Great work, love this!
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. I do what I can. Sometimes. Usually that's too much effort.
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the well deserved DD! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :heart:
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I could never thank you enough. I always thought a DD would be an unattainable dream for me. :D
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You deserved it, not only for this piece, which is truly beautiful, but for the rest of your other poems as well. I'm glad i could help in making this dream of yours come true :heart:
Reply
:iconcarnivoregoose:
carnivoregoose Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Professional Writer
I have read this over and over.

I can't even imagine how you managed to pack so much emotion into so little space.

Maybe it's because the emotion is so true. & that is brave, that is so terribly brave. and you do it so terribly well.

I honestly don't think there's any room for improvement.
Reply
:iconzephyrtronium:
zephyrtronium Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. I said what I needed to say and nothing else.
Reply
:iconkalethhasre:
KalethHasre Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:hug:
Reply
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Daily Deviations by thorns

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